The Truth in the Cover

 

I miss my mom. Sunday is going to be so very hard. Harder than Christmas. Harder than my birthday. The obligatory mother/daughter pictures are going up on Facebook and, for a second, I thought about just updating my profile picture to Carrie and Debbie and calling it a day, but that ignores the fact that I AM still here and I DO have two beautiful little beings I call mine. So, I started looking through last year's Mother's Day pictures. In May of 2016, I feared it would be Mom's last. I was in deep denial, but deep down, I knew what was coming. She felt really well then and I hoped beyond hope, but, still, my heart pumped with fear.

And I desperately needed pictures of us all. One last time.
 

My children were not cooperating, especially Sadie, who has no time for the camera. I just wanted a picture of the four of us. Just one. I needed it. What if this was the last chance?
 

In looking for a cover picture for Facebook, I found this one. It tells the true story of the four of us. Not of Mom and I because we are, as she said, "connected by a heartstring that wraps the moon and back." But the four of us. There is now a chasm that will divide us into eternity.

Charlotte is Mom's. I make no excuses or qualms about it. Mum and Papa pretty much raised her from the time she was born until she went to Kindergarten. Charlotte stayed in Elizabeth City 4 days a week sometimes. I was a part time mommy. We got to be part time parents with date nights! And Mom wanted it that way. She taught Charlotte ABCs and took her to Preschool while we worked and knew that all was right with the world.

But Sadie. Sadie doesn't get Mum. She doesn't get to be hers. She gets me. I am her play school. I am her sick days. I had to slap back into the real world with most moms and mom. And I am not angry about that fact. I embrace it. 

I am fortunate in that I have a mother-in-law to "grandmaw" Sadie and a babysitter who is beyond wonderful to help us while we are at work. And all that Sadie will know is that she has loving parents, and many grandparents who love her.

But it's what she is missing, what we are all missing. MY mother. HER extraordinary being. I will feel that emptiness every time I pick up the phone to call Mom and tell her Sadie counted to ten or that Charlotte got to say the pledge on the morning announcements.   

And the future. I'm not ready to think too far yet.

But what I fear the most on this Mother's Day, when all is said and done, is that even Charlotte won't remember her enough. Sadie won't at all. They still talk about her fondly and I can only hope they they don't stop. I know I won't stop. And hopefully they will remember how she made them feel. Spoiled.  And loved beyond space and time.